Bombay to Pune…

Had a crazy last week at work…in all the madness around me, I managed to find a little peace…it was in the form of a drive from Bombay to our Pune office in the early morning…it was such a wonderful feeling that I simply had to note it down in the car itself, lest I lose the sensation…here is how it was…

April 25th…
Driving to Pune…so so pretty…
its beautifully cloudy…each cloud open to a zillion interpretations…but today I’m not gonna play that game…they are simply what they are…clouds…
the hills are so dreamy…huge…in a distance but their curves are so gentle…like if I touch them, they’ll give in to me…and all that brown and dark grey is mixed with so much green…in so many shades…from eye hurting neon to a sublime bright lime to a delicious olive to a soothing chutney to the mild bland sap green…to the wilder kinda indescribable shades…so weird how the only way to describe one thing is to qualify it by another…why do we do that?
And the trees…oh the trees…so many types…one day, I shall be able to confidently look at a tree and state it’s name…place of origin…how its different from another…its peculiarity…the birds that live on it…the colour of its flowers…the details on its leaves…some day…am looking for a book on Indian trees, if anyone has any suggestions…
And amidst all this grandeur, to be one little person is humbling…to see the road stretched out before me and distances getting swallowed, as I get closer to my destination…To see the white dashes of the road curve and dance before my eyes and to watch them disappear under the wheels…
And the tunnels on this route are hardly your conventional types…they’re huge…with lights and numbers etc…not the dingy types we used to go through as young kids…where you turned on the car headlights and made scary sounds and faces and screamed only to be yelled at by pa…oh and I just found out that if you put your hands up and make a wish while you’re in a tunnel, it will come true…damn…so many wish-opportunities wasted…secretly, I made one the next few tunnels : ) sucker for such stupidity!
Oh I love the hills and these were hardly hills…I’m thinking of the hills in the north of India and it always makes me feel like I’m half way to heaven…the most exhilarating sensation is that of going up hill in a car…going in circles till you get dizzy...and feeling the smell of pine in your hair…the taste of cold air in your mouth…tears in your eyes from looking at all the green…just a wild feeling…and then to look out of your window and down and to see the village you passed, look so tiny…gives me a thrill…I feel so small and yet so much like all the other little elements…like I belong…
And then I look up to see the birds…I have always wanted to fly…to feel the air gliding under my arms…to swoop and plunge and climb…in and out of mist and clouds…just me and a few other random birds…to see my shadow on the ground as I fly…to feel that light…to feel nothing beneath your feet…to close your eyes and not have a worry…to see the world from a larger perspective and not be a part of the details…what a feeling…
From a distance the hills look so scalable…the trees so touchable…the earth so soft…there are so many constructions coming up but I choose to block them out…the billboards just like dashes of un natural colour…their metal reflecting off the light and shining in my eyes… the little pieces of glass on the road, making it shimmer like water…the car’s whooshing sound as it breaks through the wind…
R’s mirror bangles reflecting on the top and sides of the car…had me fascinated…so sharp and prominent and yet so transitory…completely dependant on the light to bring it to life…

We all need something…someone…to make us come alive…this is mine…

Dashes of Colour…

In the train, this morning… I took a much later train…very crowded…it was suffocating…I was near the door…in a kinda detached mode…like I was not a part of what was happening…more the role of an observer than someone who is part of the action…and what I saw amazed me…
So so many faces were looking in my direction…gosh…amazing how not one face looked anything close to another…how did God manage to create so many people and not two who look anything alike…wow!...how unique each of us are…
no one has my eyes…no one else in the world has a little mole on their eyebrow like I do…no one else has a little dump on their head in the way I do…in all my imperfections, I feel a perfection…like this is me…like God spent time making me unique by adding all my little flaws…I like that thought…
Have you ever felt your vision blur when you’re looking at something real hard…like a wide angle lens vision…where you see a larger frame with a little less detail…that’s how I was looking at the train compartment…and what I saw was just a whole lot of dashes of colour…soft on their edges and the only movement in all the little dashes were the eyes…like little white fish…moving from side to side…how much we absorb through our vision and how we are consistently looking for things to look at…constantly searching for meaning…constantly looking for answers…and I closed my eyes…

Jasmine…

I have always felt that jasmine has an incredible effect on me…it goes back to fond childhood memories of ma’s bedroom window and the strong whiff of jasmine from her garden…there was something magical about that feeling then and it still lingers in my memories…always wanted to be just like ma…my earliest image of her is with flowers in her hair…carefree...laughing...
I’m drawn to the heady fragrance and the pure looks of the flower…every other day I treat myself to a gajra on my way back home…love the way its presence fills the air of my home…I could lose myself in that feeling…lying near my pillow, it gives even my most difficult dreams a softer touch…
Looking at the gajra last night, I felt a deep sadness for the way the flowers were strung together…so potent, yet so submissive…the white beads broken by the sharp of the green stocks and the flamboyant orange…in them I saw a sense of sacrifice mixed with a greater sense of triumph..
I feel strongly about this flower and words can’t seem to come out right to explain that…I sketched them out and somehow that made me connect further…I felt its every line, every curve, every little shadow…felt its movement even in the stillness…its smell going in deep…its ability to just be…and in that being, make another feel the way I was…
I think what made this particular gajra even more special, is the little girl who sold it to me…gorgeous eyes and captivating smile…as spellbinding as the flowers she was selling…she looked at me…and we both smiled at the same instant without waiting for an invitation…and then I laughed at our spontaneity…nice feeling that was…I know where she sits now…can treat myself every other day…to the flowers and her smile…
Oh…how do I do this so consistently…successfully…despairingly…??? I go and get myself attached to everything in a manner which can only harm me…I know I’ll be distressed when I don’t see her and will keep looking out for her…
I’m just like that…the links to people will always stay…can fool the world but cannot fool myself…
Each person I love…each moment I’ve lived is strung together like these flowers…making a powerful…heady…lingering mix…that’s what my life feels like…can’t unstring that…can’t take one out without falling apart…

Delicious Sunshine…

Got the sun loving the right side of my face…a delicious warmth under which I feel like I’m glowing…there’s a sunny yellow hue that is washed all over me…oh…bliss…every part of me is in a little dance…close my eyes and take in this feeling…the chatter in the train drowned down by the beautiful song in my head…my thoughts focused on what I’m feeling right now…
My mind and body working in sync to pen down all the little sensations I feel… one foot firmly on the floor of the train…the other foot hanging loose and moving to the rhythm of the train…my back relaxed and resting on the seat…a lovely shadow forming on my journal and changing like a slide show… can see my shadow on the side of the train and my eye stands out… and I smile and the eyelashes in the shadow smile back… hair now a deep brown red flying all over with the wind…the hand holding my journal is firm… the ink from my pen flows, forming little squiggles that look like art and just seem to fill the page faster than I can track…
My stop approaches and I go stand close to the door… standing in the direction opposite to the trains motion…everything is moving away from me… the trees, houses, people… and I’m okay with that… got to go ahead… feel a peace right now… in the small joys and the smaller pain… feel alive right now…

The Butterfly Moment…

This morning I got up feeling strange…this intense feeling that i‘m so harsh on myself…I can love others so easily but I’m so tough on myself…
So I loved myself… woke up gently…played music that made me smile…let myself hum to it… bath water just right…made a cup of nice tea for after…did everything I would do for someone I loved, for myself…even the morning walk and yoga were in the spirit of this is good for me not something I should do…was good to myself as I got ready… took a little longer ironing my clothes…little longer combing my hair… feeling happy…
Before stepping out, I took one last look in the mirror… coaxed a few wild strands of hair to behave…and then smiled…I’m not beautiful in any conventional way but I’m beautiful… I liked who I saw…and I saw myself for all that I was…no point struggling with my flaws…not right now anyway…
Saw me for silly little me… someone who is on the brink of turning into a butterfly and taking off!... this butterfly thing (yes, yes….i’ll pause as you laugh…) has been something I have felt for so long… always on the verge of something big… wonder if it happens and I don’t get it… cos I’m still waiting for the bigger butterfly moment…
The butterfly moment will be the time in my life when I will feel like I can fly…free of anything that holds me…a little more evolved…a little less unhappy…a little more at peace…a little less ‘them’….a little more ‘me’…
Well… the butterfly moment could be right now…

Why…

Lots of ‘whys’ swishing around in my head like goldfish that just have nowhere to go…just circling endlessly…aimlessly…tirelessly…relentlessly…
So here it goes…
- why can’t we say how we feel?
- why can’t we feel what we say?
- why the distance between actions and words?
- why do I trust actions more?
- why do actions let me down?
- why do the good memories linger much longer?
- why can’t we be truthful to ourselves?
- why do we consistently find a way to let people down?
- why do we delude ourselves into believing we are fine?
- why does the heart live a life different from the mind?
- why can’t we let our true self shine through…however bad or good?
- why do we still trust, and never learn?
- why do we expect something even when we say we don’t expect anything?
- why do we give in to an extent where we give away a part of us?
- why is pain so real…. So so beautiful?
- why can’t we let it just be?
- why do we insist on ‘talking’…purging our self with words that have no meaning?
- why the beautiful new day…no matter how dark and mysterious the night before was?
- why try so hard to stay on a journey when we don’t know where its taking us?
- why is it always about ‘me’?
- why do I let all the good in my life come second to the pain?...stupid silly girl!
- why do we survive one circle…only to enter another?
- why would it be any different the next time around?
- why put myself through that?

Why?... think because…
I still believe in love…
I still believe that people are worth trusting…
I still believe that the only way is to give it your all…
I still believe I will do it again… and again… and again…

Why do that?

Simple question answers the question...
Why live?

God’s Designer…

Really crazy conversation started in the most innocent manner… so walking to office and I spot these beautiful purple flowers outside the office… they were calling out to me… so I picked up a couple… stuck one straight into my hair and I was looking at the other one and then it happens… my imagination goes crazy and I look at SS and go… you know God has an incredible designer… he looks at me strange… (used to that kinda look!)…what?...and I explain…
God for certain has a design department and the lady in charge must be one incredible creature…SS listens…a bit zapped but trying ever so hard not to let it on…anyway, once I take off, there’s no stoppin me…
So I go on… I can just imagine her…long flowy floral dress floating behind her…she with wild hair open, filled with flowers…a shimmer all over her…a cloud-like walk…a dainty white wand like brush in her hands and she bends over and the earth is her canvas…she keeps sketching these beautiful flowers and leaves in the air… that magically come alive…her little fairy assistants, following her, trying so hard to keep up with her flowy imagination…I smile…perfect…I can picture it…
SS looks at me and goes… she has to be a computer geek…
I gasp…how dare he do this to my little fantasy… I question him… and regret it as soon as I do…
So according to him, she has to be a computer programmer…how else would you explain the sheer numbers and the variety?…at the click of a key, she can have a hundred variations available…
I’m appalled…no no no no… and I see my pretty creature turn into something extremely ordinary… i'm furious and try my best to change his mind…but alas…we’re both fairly stubborn…
i think my version is far prettier and far more befitting the creator’s head designer… so I’m gonna say – SS, leave imaginative stuff to the more imaginative one!!

Crow on a Wire…

At the station the other day…SS & I were waiting for our train…talking about a whole lot of stuff…endless the range of topics of discussion and our different perspectives on the same things…so anyway…train passes by and I’m looking at the sky from the little gap between the top of the train and start of the shed…and then I see this crow sitting on a wire…
I’m not sure why he caught my attention…crows sit on wires all the time…I see them all the time… but I seemed to be looking more at the way he was balancing himself… his tail trying the keep him steady… and I was watching carefully…worried he was gonna give in and fall… and I told SS…
Andhe looks at the crow and says - but the crow’s not worried… he’s okay with falling… he’ll just fly back up…
Oh true…true…its okay to try to balance yourself through life…but sometimes when you do miscalculate, its okay to lose your grip and fall… as long as your wings have the power to pick you up midway and take you right back up… what have you lost in that time? Nothing… can go back to sitting on the wire and balancing… at the most it shakes up your nerves and a few good nerve shakes are good…

Lights in my Life…

In the train…passing Sewri on my way home…its pitch dark…except for the little lights here and there…there’s a road running parallel to my train track…
There are two cars on the road…and my train and the cars are moving alongside…no streetlights…path is illuminated by the headlights of the car in front…the other car is just following the first one…
And I start to wonder…just as a car can turn on its headlights when its dark and they’re unsure of their path, do we headlights?
Don’t laugh!! I know you are!...serious ‘thinking’ question!
When times are tough, do we turn on our lights…do we know we have them?...do we make them stronger with time? Does it happen on auto or is it a manual switch? Can you be ‘headlight-less’??!!
I seriously wonder…not laughing anymore I hope!
So what are my headlights? When times are tough, I navigate with instinct in the dark but that often may not be enough…you need the larger picture…
So are headlights, my power to reason, logic, good sense? I sure hope not…cos even with that on, no damn path was illuminated!!
Could my friends be my headlights? Maybe…showing me the way…maybe not even switching on but just letting me knowing I have the option to call upon them and they’ll make it better…
- my lights are are around when I’m working late and walk with me to the station even when it means taking the long route home…listening to all my silly questions and trying to answer them best with a straight face…
- my lights take me out for brunch when they could be doing more exciting things : ) and hear me out for the hundredth time…
- my lights keep sending me ‘how are you now?’ ‘where are you now?’ messages to which I need to respond every half hour….phew…
- my lights hold me close and tell me how much they love me no matter what mistakes I make…
- my lights send me flowers and then make me sing their favourite song over the phone while I’m in my silly pink pajamas and walking up and down the lane, singing loudly like a fool, forgetting everything but that very moment… (yuv, one day I’ll get back to you for doing that!)
- my lights send me poems everyday and tell me to stick in there… offering sound advice with so much love and care...
- my lights call me up just when I’m thinking of how much I’d love to speak to them…
- my lights tell me that I still make them proud parents inspite of all the hurt I cause them…
- my lights may be younger but so much wiser!! They never dwell on the past and help me focus on moving ahead…with a lot of good music for support!
- my lights tell me that I’m beautiful even on days when I can’t get myself to look into a mirror…

they’re my headlights, my tail lights, my mirrors…
…reflecting back all that I was to help me become all that I can…

The Leaf...Towards Sunshine…

So the leaf, on her journey, finds herself in a dark low place…its still and chilling and with no air…a vacuum…no feelings…nothing true here…only falseness hangs low and strong…and she shivers…how did she, the kind of lively person she is, reach such a place…how had she not seen where she was drifting…she feels herself falling…falling in her eyes, in her image of herself…she owed it to herself to stay afloat…come too far to let things be like this…so she tells herself that she should do it as beautifully and gently as she can…she tries to spiral downward…gentle twirls that make her feel better…but in a place with no air, there’s just that much anyone can do… all of her journey and trials to come here?...she believes that there can be better but has no strength to take herself out of this…
And then when she least expected it, she feels a gentle little breeze make her flutter…feel herself again…could there be friends that she’s made on this journey that will come to her rescue…she just had to reach out and so many came forward to embrace her in their arms…she felt them lift her…she just held on to the breeze and it showed her the way out…she could feel the sunlight again…she could breathe again…her eyes filled up and she had no words…she will stick it out…she will leave that space behind her…soon she’ll be faraway and the nightmare will gently leave her alone…
She will learn to rise above…learn to forgive and forget dark spaces and hope they find their light… she will learn that there was something to learn from this experience and will only move ahead with that...only take her learnings with her...

Thank you my breeze…Sam, Sha, She, Pri, Ko, As and Yuv…
You keep my faith in people alive…you keep my faith in me alive…you keep me alive…

: ) no looking back…too much good awaits the leaf ahead…
Onwards, dear little leaf…onwards…

Moon Within...

Have to…simply have to write about the moon…it has been ‘simply spectacular’…’closest to perfection’… ‘pure’…those were all the messages I got from friends who know how much a sight like this would freak me out in a good way!
SS and i stepped out of the office door and had to hold our breath…our eyes went directly to the moon…it completely dominated the painting that I felt we were about to step into…the giant structures of buildings on either side…the moon framed perfectly between them…a few trees underneath…a couple of lamp posts illuminating the long black tar path that seemed to lead right to the moon…
It felt almost within our reach and we both walked…eyes fixed on it…stumbling forward, completely under its spell…
We had seen the moon the night before and we could not help but compare…today it was closer…larger…within reach but paler and not as pure…
a bit like how I was feeling about myself…been trying to understand why I do the things I do and today I feel a little closer to that answer…like its within my grasp but just escaping my fingers like water…
The moon looked like a hole in a dark sealed cardboard box (that same feeling when my claustrophobia takes hold)…I felt like if I reached it and crossed through, I’d be able to breathe again…if I understood me, I’d be at peace again…
But as we got closer to it, it just seemed more distant, higher, and we could not understand it… maybe trying to get a fix on some issues within, takes you a little further away from you…makes the real you get lost within other people, motives, emotions…I told myself, to let it be…don’t analyze too much…we work in mysterious ways…and me straight from the heart…and there is no logical explanation for what I do…I just do…
Some places can’t be reached…deep within or as far away as the moon…

Still on this Side of the Road…

Saw them this morning!!!!!! …not two but three …was so thrilled like the extra puppy was a bonus joy of sorts…and I felt happy and sad all over again…’sappy’…okay stupid word to coin but I’m like that…so can’t expect any better…
‘sappy’ kinda says it…it’s a draining kinda word…lots of moisture involved!...makes you feel better and worse all together…
no more sappiness for the puppies…I saw them today and I let them go…they will look after themselves….i will look after myself…that’s all any of us can do anyway…
more happy than sad actually...

That Side of the Road…

I saw them the other day…for just a few seconds…but sometimes that’s all it takes to move a little lever in your heart to let in a new someone…I was on my way to the station in the early morning and they caught my eye…jumping about…scampering…bouncing on their new little legs…two little puppies…and I swear my heart leap along with their little jumps…how beautiful life is…is the first and only thought that came to my mind…
In my heart I said a little prayer…little little puppies stay on this side of the road please…stay with your mommy…let her look after you…don’t be naughty…don’t stray…I care about you…
I look out for them every morning since that day…and every time I see them, I relax and tense together…yes, its possible to feel happy and sad in the same moment…each so combined and so feeding off the other that its neither happy nor sad…a new emotion…new word required!
I told myself I was asking for trouble…I know what the odds are of their survival…I know their mom will find a way to carry on…but what about me?
Me, who gets so affected by things that have no connection directly with me…stupid, silly girl who looks for meaning in everything…finds it and then holds on to it so dearly… I will just hurt myself…but then I think this through and I think that if watching those puppies can make me feel like I’m alive, is that not a good thing?…how many people feel alive once a day…once a month…a year…a decade…I find meaning to live every other second…and with being alive comes happiness and when you let something make you happy, you also automatically give it the power to make you unhappy… (not sure I make sense here...)
Anyway…I drove past that road today…eyes longing to catch a glimpse of their little hops and skips…and they weren’t there…a part of me grew silent…a part of me I left on that side of the road…afraid to turn to other side of the road…afraid of what I might learn…I actually hugged my bag close and cried two tears…
But I will continue to look out for them tomoro…no matter what, they stay alive in me…
Yes S…I hope you are right…thank you for saying - ’they are traveling a lot…one day here and one there…’
I wish I could believe that…

Dancing like the Flowers…

There were little wild yellow flowers everywhere…I stood at the edge of this expanse of flowers with my toes quivering…how would I get myself to cross this stream without squishing a few under my unworthy feet… but I had no choice but to tentatively step forward…trembling and shaky with the effort to minimize the cruelty…one step…two step…three step…four…five…step…step…and I stop…and look around…what beauty… what selflessness…to live so pretty and to die in the height of your youth…I stood there and paid homage to the hundreds of flowers that made one corner of the huge football field come alive by their end…
I stood there and looked upward… to gauge how traumatic a fall that must be from grace…
I stood there a while but as I looked up, I saw them gently spiral downward… a pretty ballerina style twirl and I followed them down with my eyes and I saw their joy at having lived and their dance…a dance of life and I admired their simplicity…
As I stood there…it seemed like they heard my thoughts and in return came towards me… it was slower that slow motion…their decent upon me and they fell on every part of me…like an embrace...in my hair…on my shoulders…in my bag…on my feet…felt like a princess…did not think I deserved such affection…wanted to tell them not to waste their dance on me…me who makes my life so complicated when it simply need not be like...but they were not ready to listen…

They were saying something to me…its okay to fall…its alright to give in…its alright to give yourself away…but when you do that, do it with all you’ve got…be happy without expecting anything in return…make it like a dance…make it unforgettable…even if there’s no one to see it…do it for yourself…
: ) trying it out…to dance through my life…

Whispers in the Wind…

Sunday…lying in bed…cool off whites surround me in contrast to the blazing sun outside… feel like it can’t touch me… the bright green movement of the tree outside my window has me captivated… watch the leaves shimmer…watching the way they caught the sun and threw its light back…
My window looked like a carefully framed image… big windows with off white curtains hanging on the two ends… the branch of my guava tree extending right across… perfectly placed… a weird kinda balance in this image…
And then I saw them… two crows sitting on a branch together…not sure why I noticed them but there seemed to be something adorable there…the bigger blacker crow looked down at the slighter, lighter one kinda gently…and then he whispered in her ear and then she looked at him and whispered back and this conversation continued for a long time…
I was wondering what love somethings they maybe expressing to one another…they hopped from branch to branch together… they made silly head movements in the same direction… and I watched this with a sort of envy…
Why in the world was I envious of a pair of crows? Am I truly losing it… but there was something incredible that they seemed to be sharing…
Two of them together…on a pretty tree…all by themselves…on a Sunday afternoon…not a care in the world…just them… beaks touching gently…feathers ruffled by their closeness… but I felt them smile at each other… daring to reveal how they felt…daring to follow the other to the furtherest branch of the tree… seeing life the way the other was…losing themselves in each other without worrying about losing themselves…
Me…lying there…alone…lost in their love… wanted to swap places with one of them…wanted to dare to love like them…
What keeps some birds together for life? Do they fall in love…fall out of it…break up…make up…?
I imagined me on that branch and someone whispered…’we don’t know what will happen tomoro but what we have now is special…’ whispers it gently into my ear as a tear travels down unknown…I look at him and feel like I’ll follow him to another tree if I have to…

But a whisper remains a mere whisper…a little bit of breath…some words that fear to be spoken out loud…making their way to another ear…whisked away midway by the wind till its just an empty sound…lost in the wind…never heard…almost like they never existed…broken up and scattered…

But I heard them…

Stars under my Feet…

So my good good friend SS came over last evening…we spent some fabulous time catching up over music…happy around him…conversation comes so easy and naturally with no restrictions…lots of good music…lots of candles…just comfortably comfortable…glad we met… its so different from meeting in office or in a public space… you see people more clearly when the clutter around them is taken away… saw more of him than before…revealed more of me than before…
Anyway…so he was leaving.. walked him to the bus stop… showed him everything crazy in my universe… the tree outside…made him stand in the right spot where you can catch the flowers on the branches along with the sky and the stars… its nice to share things with people who value their value in your life…
So then I notice he’s looking down at the path… and I ask him to look up… you’re missing the stars S and he says something incredible…no look down, you’re missing the stars on the ground… and I looked down…he was right…there were stars on the ground that we were walking on…the little stones in the paved path, were glistening and shining so beautifully… I did not want to admit how right he was…and he was right…
On my way back from the bus stop, I focused on the ground and smiled a lot… why is it that the stars so far away appealed to me so much that I did not look at the ground? Why do things that are far away or out of reach appear more desirable than those that we are in constant touch with? Why can’t I value the ground that supports me more that the sky I can never touch? Need to value what I have more and long a little less for what I don’t…
thank you S : ) for showing me that...

Cobwebs…

So I’m in the train the other day, heading back home and it’s a complete mess…so much intolerance…happens too often…so I’m trying to keep cool and not let anyone disturb my peace of mind…when you try to do that, your inner gaze turns to the little things that you’d never notice otherwise…leaning against my little space, squashed by people on either side, trying hard not to hurt the little kid near my feet, hugging myself close… I found the only place to look, was up… and what I saw was so peaceful…
Up above, living a secret life, was this delicate cobweb…beautifully formed…glistening in the dark…did not see its maker…but gosh…at that moment, I could shut out everything and just look up and take in the beauty of that moment… it was my tranquility in the chaos…
Just when I thought I could not be more taken in, I notice its faint shadow and what amazed me was that the shadow looked so much stronger than the web itself… and my mind began to wander…
Right there in the middle of a sea of people, the noise, the movement…I could find the mental space to think…and I did…something about that web intrigued me…what was it?…
was it, its ingenuity in being at such a novel place?…
was it the sheer abandon with which its creator had left it and gone off?…
was it the fragility with which it moved with the wind?…
was it the idea that all that beauty was ultimately a trick…an illusion?…
that what seems beautiful right now, will also be the source of great hurt and pain?
was it that the image we project is stronger than we actually are?
Oh lots of ideas were jumping about in my head…each jumping higher, in an attempt to be chosen as the one…but I needed more time…so I let it go…

And then It came to me last night…as I felt myself rise and fall to the rhythm of my breath…lying still…hands touching ever so lightly…alone in many ways…gentle movement of the curtains as they swayed to the breeze…dim light streaming through from the streetlight outside…I thought to myself…there is a risk in exploring new avenues… there is a risk in flying too close to that cobweb…but would I not miss out on so much beauty, if it treated everything with the wariness of the cobweb…even a pretty innocent flower appears to be a cobweb, if you make it that…

I find myself to be an adventurous little fly… I fly free…I fly everywhere…cautious but not closed…open to flowers…open to webs…so I’ll get stuck and hurt…but hey, that’s what I’m all about…I’m about having the power to believe that even the greatest risk…the most complicated cobweb, has the ability to change…has the power to cave it and let me fall through…living on by giving in…

Bubbles…

Got up this morning, singing… what is it about screeching terribly or going so low that my voice disappears, that makes me feel so good… is it this sense of reaching new highs and lows : ) yup, I’m passionate about music… it does something to my insides, makes them sway in a way that nothing else can, I feel my heart beat along with it, my feet do crazy complicated movements, my arms swing dangerously… and I stand apart from this crazy person and can’t help but smile at my carefree-ness…
Last night was wild singing night…me…and my newly acquired mp3 player…oh it was wild in the most true way…put on a pair of socks to give me that glidie-slidie feel…I was all over the place, singing simply in the most horrible manner possible…but gosh never imagined how special it would become…my evenings seem to be becoming magical and I look forward to the unpredictable… feel happiness in every part of me… ever felt your feet turn pink with glee?! Oh its true happiness… ever made bubbles out of soap when you’re in the bath…the way they float upward and burst into little water droplets…that’s how my heart feels today… bursting with the joy of being afloat…

Need so little in life to make you happy… we all have it but fail to see it and grasp it and then hold on to it for as long as we can…its all around us…love is…like the little cat that comes to my door.. meows.. comes in…curls up on the cushion next to me…her side against my leg…cat nap…then gets up…looks me straight in the eye…and I say ‘go cattu…its okay’…and she goes away… and I wonder will I ever see her again…don’t know…but we shared something special…
Love is in the beautiful morning smell…its in the way the flowers lay on the ground…its in the night sky with its pretty lights…its all there…got to open up yourself to experience love…and you got to share it…you’ve got to call me up!

Ever Felt

Have you ever felt a heart beat under your touch… the most intimate gesture between two people… to feel someone’s life force reveal its pace to your touch is a feeling that can make you feel so humble… its like giving access to your most precious secret… its like holding yourself open to hurt… its saying you love someone enough to let them that close…
But heartbeats are so difficult to read…i’m always taken in by the feeling of not knowing what they’re saying…but the fact that they are trying to speak to me, is encouragement to believe that someday I shall crack the code… its really a secret language… you need to understand your own before you can decipher another’s…
Ever felt someone’s pulse throb under your finger…
Ever felt the first drop of rain fall on your face…
Ever felt a warm tear make its way down your cheek…
Ever felt your feet move to a rhythm unconnected to the rest of you…
Ever felt the strength in each strand of your hair…
Ever felt surprised by the power of your singing voice…
Ever felt like picking a leaf and in its complicated pattern, recognizing your own…
Ever felt like you just have to spread your arms, stand on your toes and you’d fly…
Ever felt like you’re the only one who seems to feel…
Ever felt you had to smile to see its effect on another… : )
Ever felt you're running out of time..
Ever felt like you’re alive…

Blinky Lights Far Far Away

So I was on the flight back to Bombay… nervous as hell… claustrophobia ready to strike…geared to keep myself occupied for a year!!...kaifi azmi’s poems…journal…brand new pen…bar of chocolate (big bar!!)…mp3 player with songs that can help me survive hell and back…
Anyway, I was prepared for the worse…
And then it happens…I look out of the window and gasp… the sight before me, unlike anything I have ever seen…it was a rough sky… yet merged with gentle strokes of a fluorescent orange along with hints of rani pink and a turquoise with a growing expanse of blue beneath and above it…it was like watching a canvas come alive…
And then I looked at the earth below…another gasp (I do that a lot!!)… I felt like that time I was at a tiger reserve in Uttar Pradesh…I got off the jeep and spent a good amount of time sitting on a tree stump, mesmerized by an ant hill.. so intricate…so complicated…so vulnerable…I watched the little ants rush about their business, unaware and unperturbed by my presence…oblivious to their insignificance…engrossed in their life, in their little role…
Our lives are so much like that…looking out of my window, I saw hundreds, thousands of little lights blinking…shiny little streams of light, the blinky road lights, tiny tiny cars with their headlights…warm lights, cold lights…each so distant, so alien….so so so far away…
And I thought to myself, one of those insignificant blinky lights marks my home, my family… my little world…its scary to imagine their anonymity in the scheme of large things…just a few ants going about their business, unaware…engrossed in their life, in their little role…
I do hope he who is watching, is paying more attention to the details than I am…I hope he knows each of these blinky lights and listens to their prayers every night…like the others, my life is in your hands…but really can you deal with it?!...what a crazy job you have…I alone ask for so much attention…and I’m one blinky light…
But having said that, you should know that I do trust you…who else do I have…have to believe that someone up there is watching each little ant…nudging each into position when they stray…putting them onto new paths… testing them…loving them…even knowing each of their names…
While we focus on the path right in front of us, you are looking way ahead…giving us enough tiny speedbreakers now so that we can deal with the major turn you see ahead…even the good times, carefully rationed out to keep us happy, to keep us going…
Unsure of where I am right now?! Am I at a tiny speedbreaker, preparing for a big turn in my life…am I in a happy place, preparing for more happy doses…?!
You’ve got your eye on me…and I can let go now… : )

The Leaf

the leaf lived a secure little life on a tree...where she grew from a mere little lime green nothing to a pretty little olive green...she danced with joy in the starlight, looked the sun in its eye and spread herself open to welcome the rain...it was a happy little life...up so high...but she knew that her secure home, the loving branches that held her, the other leaves that sheltered her, the trunk that connected her to the roots of her existence, would not always be there...
she lived in preparation for that moment... she was not sure what the moment was but knew she's know when it was the moment...she watched the other leaves, she took in what the little birds said...she was learning fast...on windy nights, when she felt afraid, she held on tight...she shut her eyes and told God she wasn't ready yet...
time flew by and with it came the moment...the big moment...and she knew what it was all about...she had to leave...thats what a leaf has to do...leave...but she wasn't plucked away by the gusty wind...she felt her mother loosen her grip with love...she felt herself leave her mother's hand...she had picked the moment...she had the power...
she was adrift...she looked back, tears filling her eyes...but with a strength she had not known...she could not let herself down..
drifting slowly...sometimes down...sometimes up...but always moving towards something... she knew not what her role in the larger scheme of things were, but she was certain she had a role and she was gonna ensure she did it right...
she has begun her journey...determined to submit herself to a higher power...to believe in love...in destiny...and to let him decide what's best for her as she goes about discovering her role...as she goes about living a life that she was so fortunate to have...
even if she was just a leaf in a wind of leaves...one moment in a lifetime of moments...