That Side of the Road…

I saw them the other day…for just a few seconds…but sometimes that’s all it takes to move a little lever in your heart to let in a new someone…I was on my way to the station in the early morning and they caught my eye…jumping about…scampering…bouncing on their new little legs…two little puppies…and I swear my heart leap along with their little jumps…how beautiful life is…is the first and only thought that came to my mind…
In my heart I said a little prayer…little little puppies stay on this side of the road please…stay with your mommy…let her look after you…don’t be naughty…don’t stray…I care about you…
I look out for them every morning since that day…and every time I see them, I relax and tense together…yes, its possible to feel happy and sad in the same moment…each so combined and so feeding off the other that its neither happy nor sad…a new emotion…new word required!
I told myself I was asking for trouble…I know what the odds are of their survival…I know their mom will find a way to carry on…but what about me?
Me, who gets so affected by things that have no connection directly with me…stupid, silly girl who looks for meaning in everything…finds it and then holds on to it so dearly… I will just hurt myself…but then I think this through and I think that if watching those puppies can make me feel like I’m alive, is that not a good thing?…how many people feel alive once a day…once a month…a year…a decade…I find meaning to live every other second…and with being alive comes happiness and when you let something make you happy, you also automatically give it the power to make you unhappy… (not sure I make sense here...)
Anyway…I drove past that road today…eyes longing to catch a glimpse of their little hops and skips…and they weren’t there…a part of me grew silent…a part of me I left on that side of the road…afraid to turn to other side of the road…afraid of what I might learn…I actually hugged my bag close and cried two tears…
But I will continue to look out for them tomoro…no matter what, they stay alive in me…
Yes S…I hope you are right…thank you for saying - ’they are traveling a lot…one day here and one there…’
I wish I could believe that…