Bombay to Delhi…

3 June…8.10pm…Go Air…Seat 9A

the take off...
in the window seat in the middle of the aircraft on the right side…I’m a pattern kinda person…I try to find something familiar even in the most alien atmosphere…I’m trying not to think of the claustrophobia…but since I’m writing about it, its obviously not working…I dislike night flights cos they make me feel like I’m in a little flimsy box that’s been thrown in the air with tiny holes to peer out of but nothing to see…ok…not a good idea writing like this…thinking bright meadows on the drive to nainital…thinking windows down in the car…thinking cool air…thinking favourite songs…thinking family…thinking home…thinking its getting dark…thinking too many people…thinking small space…thinking back to meadows…thinking this is not working…thinking maybe music will help…thinking I saw nice man smile from across…thinking don’t smile back…thinking what pretty blue lights on the runway…thinking I want to break this window…thinking handwriting looks terrible…thinking pop mentos into mouth,,, thinking oh please let take off be smooth…thinking I’m an idiot…thinking I don’t want to be here…thinking its unusually dark…thinking silly girl, dark is dark…thinking close eyes…thinking way too dark that way…thinking maybe should stop thinking…
thinking I will be fine…thinking man talking about oxygen masks and evacuations should be strangled…thinking relax…thinking why do I have to hear the worse that can happen in two languages…thinking how calm little boy on the other window looks…thinking I can be like him…thinking smiley man still smiling…thinking we’re moving a bit too fast…thinking let pilot do his job…thinking I’m gonna be a wreck by the end of the two hours… thinking I need a hand to clutch…thinking I want to rip off the crepe bandage on my wrist as it feels too tight…thinking focus on pretty blue lights…thinking look out not in…thinking runway too bumpy…thinking would they mind if I screamed…thinking put mentos in mouth…thinking too quiet…thinking hills…thinking way too quiet in here…thinking aircraft making too much noise…thinking stop that line of thought…thinking hope no pieces are loose…thinking shut up crazy woman…thinking phew taken off…thinking please turn on the lights now…thinking large part of ordeal over…thinking 1.48 hours left…thinking should now be switched off….

I hour after take off later…
Little boy from the other window looking at me…probably saw me nervous…I look back…he holds up his orange mentos…I smile…I hold up my mint mentos…I offer him mine silently…he shakes head…I make sad face…orange smiles…I make more sad face mouthing ‘please’…orange shakes head and looks at busy-reading-crappy-magazine mom…’don’t take sweets from strangers’ is a no fun rule…mom sticks face out of book…orange and I quickly look away and go back to respective lonely pass times…

1 hour 20 mins after take off…
Delhi people look so dilli…. Not sure if its their features, the way they talk, their attire, mannerisms…one or a combination but I can spot them from miles…maybe cos I’m one of them…do they know I’m one of them…am I like them…I don’t go to great lengths to hide it but I am usually taken aback and upset when a ‘ha ji’ pops out of my mouth instead of a ‘ya sure’…I’m just half delhi and half little place called Bareilly…but I’m all bombay…

I hour 30 mins after take off…
Oh no smiley man leans forward…asks if he can read my book since I’m writing…really its got over 350 pages, how far will you reach in 25 mins…and damn carry your own book for heaven’s sake…but I hand it too him…save myself the ordeal of talking to him…obviously not interested in the book in the least…I notice orange is keeping an eye on me… I smile to let him know I’m fine…it’s a nice feeling when you know someone’s watching out for you…

1 hour 49 mins after take off…
landings are a bit easier…I try to fool myself…anyway, now atleast I’m a bit closer to land…what I dislike about night flights is that I look out and I don’t know where I am!….i always think if something went wrong, how will I know where I am…!
Captain announces that we’re ready to land…I shut eyes for a second…open them…orange looks concerned…I give him a fake smile…he pops in mentos…I can guess he wants me to do the same…I have just two left…will I survive a landing with just two mentos…has that ever been done??…oh no…why did I not plan for back up….and it starts all over again…
Thinking why do the lights have to be switched off…really, someone explain it!…thinking keep writing…thinking how come orange is not the least bothered…another mentos…thinking suck slower idiot, only one left and we have not even begun decent yet…thinking remember to take book back from smiley…thinking forget book and focus on how petrified you are…thinking I’m hopeless…thinking ears blocked…thinking or did the world go completely silent…thinking where are the crying babies when you need them…thinking if God meant us to fly, we’d have wings,,, thinking rajdhani or any other train next time…thinking are you mad…thinking an entire night with people lying in layers one on top of the other in tiny pigeon hole spaces…thinking terrible line of thought…thinking I’m a looney…thinking mentos over…thinking I think we’ve landed…thinking next ordeal in ten days time…

As i key this in...almost 24 hours later...i'm amazed at how crazy i am!!