Shyam…

I saw him the minute I stepped into the train compartment…he stood between the two exists…right in between…a flurry of activity around him…but he just stood there…like his feet were riveted to the floor of the train…yet standing loose…hands on his sides…holding nothing yet hardly swaying…everyone around him maintaining a safe distance…like a ring around him which no one dare cross…yet they treated him like he wasn’t there…
He was the first thing that caught my eye and noticed little else on this journey…my eyes couldn’t move away from him…a strange strange attraction…I took him in…the colour of the night…a lovely rich textured dark brown…close cropped hair…a mouth that was closed and did not once utter a word…a mouth that would have transformed his face if he’d allow it to smile…a little black spot on his chin, barely noticeable… little nose…ears that looked just a wee bit too big but perfectly formed…and the eyes…oh the eyes had me trapped…they were his most striking feature…big…the colour of apple juice…the whites of his eyes a little murky…they had a vacantness about them that made him appear much older than his 10 – 12 years…he wore a sky blue full sleeve tshirt with his little fingers sticking out and a beige pair of oversized trousers that had frayed and his bare feet just about showed…
I watched him with wonder…how could someone so young have eyes so old…so knowing…so distant…so calm…he stood still and only his eyes moved about, casually, in no rush to see anything…taking it in at their own pace…I kept looking at him and waiting for our eyes to meet…they did…twice but so briefly…just a flicker registered…the women kept their distance and winced if he swayed too close and wrinkled their nose…he’s just a little boy for God’s sake, I felt like screaming…it did not bother him…a woman stepped on his foot and I flinched but he didn’t…he just looked at her and then at his foot…
I was a mess…I could not fathom what this boy must be thinking…how tough was his life…at what stage was he…was there any hope…his eyes were dead…a mere body with no spirit and he looked so so small…
I wanted to rush to him…set my bags down…kneel before him…hold his hand and direct his chin towards me…just ask him if was alright…and I did that…in my mind many times…and I wanted to hug him and ask how bad it was…and I did that too in my mind…but I could not move…and I felt so ashamed…and hurt by my reaction…I was no different from the others…
I was afraid he would look into my eyes and I’ll see nothing…I was afraid I would not register…I was afraid he’d push my hand away…I was afraid I’d be rejected yet again…I was afraid I wouldn’t understand…I was afraid I’d make no difference…I was afraid I was incapable of making a difference…
I just stood there and continued to look at Shyam…that’s what he has to be…the night…the sky…so beautiful…so dark…so mysterious…so far away…outside my reach…undiscovered…another world…
And what my nani says came to mind – that God walks among us in different forms, visible only to some…this had to be krishanji…this had to be shyam…who else could capture me and turn me inside out the way this little person had…I felt drawn…I felt life…I felt sadness…
At Andheri…I followed him…the crowd was so dense…he was so small…it engulfed him and I was left searching frantically…pushing people aside…looking for the sky blue in the sea… but I’d lost him…and through my inability to reach out to him, I’d lost a part of myself…oh shyam…someday our paths shall cross again…hang in there little boy…I’m sorry I was just another nobody…