Connections…

Found an old bracelet hidden away in a box…felt the beads with the tips of my fingers…the most sensitive part of me…I closed my eyes and let the associations with the bracelet run wild… I put it around my wrist and then all of a sudden I heard the click of the clasp closing…my eyes flew open…
Why can’t what we say and what we do, click and connect in the same way…why are the two ends so isolated and distant… we all do it at varying degrees…varying degrees of harm to ourselves and others…
saying you love someone and then lying the next instant…lying close to someone and loving another… it always has baffled me… how does one cope and live with the disconnects in our life…
I’m trying to lead a life where I say as I do and do as I say…I’ve failed very often but I’ve tried…and I still keep trying to stay truthful to me…
And while it hurts tremendously to discover what people really are…I discover a little more about myself in their truths and untruths…I’ve learnt to dig deeper…its stupid and naïve to take people and gestures at face value…it never is as it appears...
Why was I not taught this earlier on… why was I taught to trust those I love… to believe in them… to continue believing no matter how dark they get… to believe that my instincts can never let me down… to believe that people falter on their path and that’s okay…
Why couldn’t I be cold…unmoved…uncaring…capable of moving on without flinching…of pretending nothing bothered me…to continue living…
Why does it always affect me so profoundly… that even as I write this, my eyes betray my strong stand…why…why can’t I be someone else…why can’t I live a false life…I’ve been alone all along inspite of what I was told… just another lie in a long series that went up in the dark sky like a firework…instilling in me the fear to go hide and yet filling me with awe the very next moment…
Awe at all that I can now see so clearly… awe at all that I’ve learnt about me and others… awe at all I wish I did not have to learn this way…
Awe that people are rarely as simple as my bracelet…no connect here…just ends that never meet…ends by themselves…