rain... 6? 7? lost count...

We watched the rain fall on the windscreen… and I loved it… little drops filling up the entire space slowly… drops falling on each other.. laughing as they nudged each other about… and I waited for him to turn on the wipers… waited for all the little drops to be pushed aside rudely…
And when he did not, I looked at him slowly from the corner of my eye… and he looked back… looked down to me and said… ‘changes your perspective doesn’t it’…
I know what he meant…
And I felt myself whelm up… he was trying to see things my way… that’s hard to do… : )

all at once...

Ever stood close to the train door…
I never really wanted to till today…
and I don’t think I ever will after today…

This sense of relief…
this sense that it was over…
I felt nothing…
all the things I was scared would happen did not…
it was over…
phew…

Standing by the door…
doing something reckless…
I felt free…
like nothing could hold me back…

Felt me feel numb and yet so alive…
its weird how something / someone
can make you feel
two opposite emotions all at the
same time…

knots...

how would she explain it even to herself… sometimes some feelings just linger on and on… even after there is no reason.. no reason in the world…
you shut a door sometimes, bolt it multiple times, stuff the keyhole, fill the cracks and walk away… feeling the finality and understanding that’s how it should be…
and then sometimes the softest knock on the door is all that is required for you to open it just a bit… maybe unstuff the keyhole and just peep through the other side… determined that anything other than that is just not worth it…
sometimes, you discover that maybe we’re just human… just so tangled in our emotions that it gets all mistly… that its important to move on… important to move on with as much dignity as you can.. so what if some of the nightmares still find a way into your days…

Sometimes it hurts to see another hurt… and sometimes its okay to feel things…
Sometimes its ok to miss being able to tell someone that they will be fine… only to convince yourself…
she can’t stand seeing someone she loves hurt or likely to be hurt… its like a little knot in her heart that just won’t go away till its sorted out… that’s just how it is and nothing can be done to change it…

little...

I stirred my cappuccino slowly… watching the different swirls it was creating… shades of delicious brown… i stirred slowly and found that i could create the most wonderful patterns with just a coffee and a spoon…

My friend got me a set of the most wonderful pens in all the rainbow colours… as well as a set of highlighters that I love to simply look at… love using them... makes even my most mundane to do list seem to come alive with excitement…

Sat in a coffee shop and doodled… coffee and doodles… a delightful combination… throw in waiting for someone and its divine!

Get up each morning dying to look out of my window to see if its raining… it so makes my day when I see the trees all dripping green…

Saw 4 puppies sleeping on the sidewalk… literally on top of each other… all cuddly and snuggly… made me feel so good…

Sometimes, it takes so little…

Emergencies... of the mind...

Ever believed in destiny? Believed that somethings are simply meant to happen… she reached home late at night, having spent an entire evening amidst illness and pain…she felt herself all cold and nauseous… miserable at all that she had witnessed at the hospital… she slept terribly… nightmares making her a wreck…
And then the next morning even though she wanted to go check on S at the hospital, she knew she still felt shaky from the last trip there… she tried calling instead to make some excuse… but the phone just ran with no response… the panic began to rise again… she decided she simply had to go… there are times in your life that you simply have to do what you have to do… follow your heart even though you physically may not have the strength…
She bought toothpaste, biscuits, juice and a whole lot of stuff, carried a salwar kameez for
S… suddenly feeling happy about her decision to go…
Walking into the hospital, she looked straight ahead… telling herself not to look around… there was nothing she could do for them… she felt her cheek begin to go cold and she walked even faster… she had to do this… please don’t faint… she reached the ward… and went straight to S’s bed… to find someone else lying there… she asked the nurse in charge and was told to look around… she walked through the ward and its over 50 beds… holding on to all the little packages in her hand… feeling the slight tremble of her hands… the unsteadiness of her feet and the frantic sweeps her eyes were making… S was nowhere around… did she get worse over the night… did they shift her for closer monitoring… no please no…
The nurse remained indifferent to her state of panic and directed her to another ward and then the emergency room… she walked… spent completely… unable to control herself and unable to think straight… she found S’s doctor only to be told that she discharged herself early that morning…
She made it to the cab somehow.. her steps and her feelings blank… only once she was in the cab that she let it out… the tears rolled out so fast… the relief… the faces that she’s seen came back now…
She did not want to see how she looked walking through the wards…she did not want to remember what she was thinking…

And through this experience, the only thing that she wants to retain is the sense of relief… this sense that those she loved were safe… that she was helpless to help them but she had a will that was stronger than she gave it credit for… this sense that no matter what, she would go on… this sense that no matter what, she would take those she loved with her… for as long as she could… at any cost…

Emergencies...

She walked in and it hit her so hard… the hospital casualty room looked more like a local train platform… her feet slowed her down so that she could take in the sight… her eyes moved across and around her… they were people everywhere… on the benches… on stretchers.. on wheelchairs… on the floor… in so many states of despair… hurt… in pain… anxious…tired… it felt like walking into the saddest place on earth… like a vault that closed in all the sadness of the world… hidden away fro her for so long… and she felt her heart tighten…being poor and sick was a curse…
In the emergency room, she tried to be so brave for the girl she was with… but she could not… it dawned on her that she really should have stayed out… the needle easing into S’s skin… the tightened grip on her hand… her fast heart beat… both their feelings felt like one…they both felt it together…
And then next second she found herself sitting right in the middle of the emergency floor… smack on the floor… just sitting there… she tried to hang in there.. she kept telling herself that she had to… she had to get over this fear… but it was not happening…
Its in the most trying situations that you see people most clearly for all that they are… she was lucky to have two more to add to her list… her greatest take away from this experience was that if you look carefully enough, there is always someone who is watching over you… grippin your hand… pretending they don’t see your fear… giving you the dignity to get through the worse…
She felt lucky to keep finding them in the most unusual situations… she considered herself lucky to be loved…to be healthy…

Singing so much… feels so good… driving those around me absolutely crazy… was sitting in the lobby of the grand hyatt last afternoon, waiting to meet someone, and I loved the way my voice echoed and felt against the glass walls… : ) got a few weird stares… but really did not care… love the way it feels to sing…

Abhi Nahi Aana Sajana
Mohe Thoda Marne De
Intezar Karne De
Abhi Nahin Aana Sajana

Aaj jane ki zid na karo…
Don’t know who I’m singing it for, but I can’t stop singing it… on a loop in my head… and I’m singing it beautifully… in my head…
: ) just being silly on the inside and trying to be all grown up on the outside…