not black not white

its never black or white... my dreams... my nightmares... my love... my dislikes... my joys... sorrows... there's so much colour...so much dimension to it...and at time it makes my head spin when i try to get a fix on how i feel on anyone thing...
people confuse and throw me off completely... just don't get the way people behave... they always surprise me...even the ones i think i know so well... well, thats good i guess... but sometimes i wish for something safe... a checklist of sorts... where i can match a gesture to corresponding meanings in words... how simple our life would be.. yes maybe boring...

but really tired of trying to get a fix on peoples motives... good or bad... i don't want to have to think about it... why can't we have a little signboard which flashes what we really wanna say or do...
just ranting... sure this makes no sense...and the irony... i'm wondering about my motives for writing this : )

nightmare...

It’s been the same nightmare for the last 4 nights…

and she get chills as she remember it…
It always her sleeping in her grey baby quilt… waking up and just dashing out of the house… bare foot… mismatched tshirt with blue check pajamas… hair running wild around her… heart pounding… desperately searching for something.. eyes restless…hand holding on to the trees outside to give her support and then running down the lane… cold from the fear…panicking as the lane narrows and narrows till she can barely move ahead… and then she reaches this clearing… beautiful meadow on the side of a river… gushing river… the flowers make her smile but she looks up the river… waiting for something… someone… and she waits and waits… the light it beautiful… early morning.. cloudy and the moon glowing upon her… she waits and then as though something just struck her she runs back… fast…fast…oh feet please take me there fast… I have to reach the door… he will be there…and she runs for her life… pushing back her hair and wiping her eyes of the tears that just won’t stop… and then she reaches her door…it shut and there’s no one there… she’s locked out… too late to go back to the river… too late to get into her world… just out there barefoot…mismatched…crazed… like she doesn’t belong anywhere… like she lost both her worlds… all that she has left is her…

Each night, it’s the same… nothing changes except the increasing sense of fear…Scared to go to sleep…cos its too real…she knows what to expect and tries to change it every night but it does not change… its out of her control… so she’d rather not sleep…

Some nightmare you live through in reality…some nightmares you imagine… beware of those that combine the worse of both…

Ever Changing…

Art class kids and I had a blast making kaleidoscopes on saturday… I’m beginning to look forward to my saturdays 4 to 6pm… this time was crazy… so I have around 32 students who are extremely regular…they are between the ages of 12 and 18…the objective of each lesson is always two fold…teaching art and craft as well as a value that each of us can take with us and think about…
So we made these beautiful delicate kaleidoscopes and seeing the wonder on their faces was something I can’t describe…very few of them had seen one before…so we went through the whole process…step by step…making mistakes…helping each other…waiting in anticipation as we put the bangle pieces in and shut the cylinder…

The objective of the lesson as I explained it to them was:
When you turn the kscope, see how the pattern changes with every move and its unlikely that those pieces will ever fall together in the same way to form the same pattern again…that’s pretty much how our lives are like too…every moment is a little pattern in itself…beautiful, momentary and never to be repeated again…
Hence what should we do…
look at each moment a little bit longer, enjoy it even if its not our happiest moment…just take it in and live it cos it will never come our way again…

I really learned a lot from the kaleidoscopes we made…
there is simplicity even in complexity…
even broken pieces of bangles can be transformed into something beautiful…
beauty lies in your heart…
patterns change…that’s part of living…you move on…forget about old patterns and look forward to new unknown ones…
sometimes you have to squint and look carefully to see the wonder…
there is a music and rhythm in art that you can feel in your eyes…
we need mirrors in our life to transform our pieces into wholes…
keep looking up…and ahead…hold everything upto the light… makes life more beautiful : )

lost...

Can there be a God?
Can prayers be heard?
I really wonder…
I want to believe…
I do believe in my heart…
But how can he live with himself…
How can he look anyone in the eye
And say he’s god…

We keep moving…
Holding a hand…
Chins up…
Suppressing a tear…

We Move on….
Broken…
Shaken…
but not Beaten…

merging...

ever felt that you wanted to crawl into the background...merge silently...unknowingly... not have anyone see you... just merge beautifully and if its a lovely tapestry or painting, that would make it better...
one of those tough days and this song keeps playing in head from 'city of angels'....

‘And I don’t want the world to see me…
Cos I don’t think that they’d understand…
When everything’s made to be broken…
I just want you to know who I am…’

-Iris…

merging into the background...

running...

The wind was restless this morning…it moved about in a rush…waking all in its path…making them restless as well…like a very important whisper that it was trying to reach me…I felt the leaves on the trees saying it…the echoes making a wet flapping sound like the ocean in a roar…their words ruffled up my kurta…it swished my hair till I was a mess…trying to get to my ears…but I shook it off and ran…smiling…watching the breeze trying to keep up with me…turning back to see it swirling and curling and enjoying the chase…I heard it laugh through the trees…and I laughed back…
It’s a lovely breezy day on my side of the world…and I feel as light as the words it carries…and a bit afraid of what awaits me when the breeze does catch up...

the road...stars...and her...

: )

I’m feeling happy today….and I shall not analyze it…will just spend a moment capturing it… : ) I’m feeling happy like when you find a tenner in your jeans pocket…happy like when you make a huge bubble with soap in the bath…happy like when you see a bird fly so low that you could have almost caught onto her tail feathers and flown off…happy like when your feet prance about out of control…happy like when the swirls in your mug of tea seem to be smiling back…happy like when the mp3 player suddenly plays the song you felt like listening to…happy like when you wear socks at home and go all sliddie to terrible singing…happy like when you see someone you haven’t met for ages…happy like when you hear the one voice that really moves you…happy like when you can sketch as you had imagined it…happy like when you see a doggie all curled up and asleep…happy like when you read a poem and it makes you feel something…happy when a total stranger looks your way and you both burst into a sunny smile…happy like when the wind makes your hair fly away along with it…happy like when you get a big hug from someone you love lots and lots…happy like when the tea is just just perfect…happy like when colour seems to be oozing out of you…happy like when you can find reasons to just be happy…

happy like when you get a bit of all of the above…happy like right now… : )

Flying away…

I found her quite by chance…or rather she found me…maybe we found each other…dark rainly morning…didn’t look like the rain was going to let up…as I walked aimlessly in the rain and didn’t at all mind what the rain was doing to me…safe under my big red umbrella…I saw her lying there…really little…like a tiny whiny brown leaf, quivering…without a second thought I scooped her up in my hand…held her really close and rushed for the warmth of home…a little frightened…I was…unsure of what to do…
Safely tucked into a little box…a freshly ironed pink towel to keep her warm…I watched her fall asleep and felt a strange kind of responsibility towards her…and I spent most of the day watching her…sometimes we put so much trust and faith in people, creatures…and its always based on instinct…my little sparrow…i believe that its okay to believe in people…its alright to not know what that means…its alright to take that chance…its alright to pin your hopes onto someone…and then keep them warm and safe and hope that they will fly…and maybe through them you’d go somewhere new as well…and its also alright to realize that it did not work…hey its about taking that chance and knowing that you did all you could…
She flew away the next day…and in my heart I felt her turn around to watch me watch her leave…you have to let go…I did…
It’s a good feeling to help someone…its nice to find creatures, people…its even better when you realize that you found them so that they may find you finding yourself…

Peacock...and girl...

Just me at home…

Stuck home for 4 whole days…thought I’d go crazy but hey I overcame the terrifying thought of being by myself for such a long duration…actually found out that I’m real decent company for myself : )
Really surprised me…so it was a super long weekend spent drinking coffee…watching the rain…sketching with my new colours…more rain…rescuing a sparrow…meeting neighbors…inseparable from my sketchbook…walking in the rains…lots of news channels…calls from close family all over the country telling me to stay put…movies…more coffee…some writing…chocolate cake…getting re-addicted to sudoku...cleaning up my cupboard…music….pottering about the house…some of my work that involved designing…lots of standing at the door…just a lovely few days with myself…

I think I will actually miss me alone, if that’s possible…

thinking of monet...

Green...