rain 5

Me thinking of walking in the rain right after work today… there’s a rain song buzzing in my head… my feet are parched for a good splash… got a silly feeling running up and down my spine… the same one that matches my heart and head perfectly… a bundle of idiotic nerves ache to be out there… red umbrella gets an evening off… oh I love the rain.. oh I love love love the rain so so so much much much : )

Some nightmares become a part of the night...
sometimes, words... the actions lose their sting...
just the numb hurtfulness remains...

you try to stand up to them...
try to sleep through them...
but the tears remain...

it will be in the past someday...
but sometimes the past and the present
remain together...

Red Umbrella…

June 2006
I got a beautiful bright red umbrella as a present last evening…and I love it…pretty wooden handle…those long umbrellas with lovely black spokes and little wooden dots at the ends of each spoke to ensure that you don’t poke your eye or someone else’s…one of those lovely umbrellas that cover you entirely…and I couldn’t help but think of what a lovely present that makes…how thoughtful…like saying you want to shelter the person…keep them from harm…always be the one you reach for when its dark and deary and you want to feel protected…a special present…especially cos I love red…love how wild that looks…in a world full of black and dull umbrellas, I always smile when I see a bright one…and maybe looking at my silly umbrella, someone will smile and go out and buy a bright one…and then someday, there will no longer be black umbrellas…only happy smiley red ones…
That’s my silly world…that’s silly me…

June 2007
Since then so much has transpired… red umbrella stolen… found myself plunged in darker hues… for lack of desire more than availability… and just a couple of days earlier, was presented the same red umbrella yet again…
It was unique the first time I got it, but how do you describe the feeling when it happens all over again… to look into someone’s face and realize how wrong you had been can be the best feeling ever… to see how he hunted and found my red colour again, makes my heart want to pop…
I hugged it like a fool… I looked away so he would not see that an umbrella could bring me to tear… a hug and a thank you was all that could squeak out of me… I love it and will try much harder to not let it go…
not purely silly anymore... lets say a wiser silliness prevails...

Dark Clouds...

They drove in silence… up ahead she saw the dark clouds gather and told him so… and asked him what it meant?? what did they hold??… and answered it as well – does it say what the day will turn out to look like… does it tell me what I’ll feel today… does it hold surprises and news…
And she smiled… looking at them and mumbling ‘what do they hold??’… and he turned to her… amazed and yet straight faced and said
‘RAIN’…

wipers

Something about car wipers that makes me sad…
that squeak… squeak… silence… silence… squeak…squeak… silence… silence…
I like it when I can’t see clearly in the rain… I like it when the lights of the car ahead are blurred… and look like coloured flowers in a distance… moving around… I like to see thinks soft on the edges… why do the wipers make it so clear…
Why can’t it just be the sound of rain… just rain without the squeakiness of it all…

rain 4

It’s raining… I love love love it…
Was driving home in the evening… the sound of rain on the roof… the slash of the tires… a cupt of coffee in the hand… the perfect rainy music… the hypnotic way the wipers move rain drops back and forth… just sitting back and taking it in… this sense that the rains are a special time of the year.. just how they make me feel… the way they colour my emotions and take over my actions… unlike any other force of nature…
I watched my arms as the shadow of the rain drops on the windscreen danced and moved… this sense of being a part of the rain…

discovering....

Takes me aback when I realize that they are things that I feel so strongly about… so strongly that it shows on my face… in my expressions… my hands speak volumes more than the words… and the words just take on a life of their own…
And it just flows so steadily… like I’m in front of a mirror… just expressing my deepest thoughts in language… like there is no one else there at that moment… and how they react does not matter anymore…

I’m always taken aback when I see this streak in me… I thought I was a mild kind of person… and its taking some time to recover from the fact that I am not quite like that… isn’t self discovery a lot of fun!!… its like being on an island… me and me… probing… looking for inroads to get deeper… and yet my larger aim is to get back to other people, find a way out of this lonely place, defocus from me… and yet a sense of this is what I’m stuck with… how do I make it the best experience ever… and love it too…

rain 3

The rain has a strange touch… finds its way into places nothing else can… not even her… it dances on her… enticing and exciting her… it slides off without a mark.. merges with her joy.. tracing her face with a simple touch.. hanging from her chin… dangerous and carefree… the rain has his way with her… disguising her emotions in his stride… lifting her spirit and making her twirl… and she reaches back and grasps as hard as she can… only to find her hands empty…
reaching for something that never was...