White...

As she selected her flowers… picking only the white ones… feeling kinda white herself… kinda blank…kinda plain…kinda not feeling like saying anything…she added a string of white jasmine to her hair…ever smelt washed hair that smelt of lingering jasmine buds…no one would ever understand her… the silly little things she said and did without thinking them through… the many times she got angry for not using her head…
She knew they would be waiting for her…and she was running late…but she thought it was worth spending a few minutes to feel good… she dreaded what awaited her…another boring dinner… people who had no passions… people who did not see things for what they really were… people who thought she could do much better for herself… people who would see her in all white and wonder why she did not make the effort to look the best that she could… but see, they just did not get it… she felt like herself….
There were the same old discussions… exotic holidays… expensive art… and she just watch them… lost in her vodka and apple juice and wishing it would have its effect on her faster so that she could block them all out… she could escape it all… and retreat into a world where everyone was what they were…
And then across the table, she saw another person… scribbling on a napkin and trying to look at the man talking cars with interest… and he kept gulping down his drink… he looked up and caught her eye… he raised an eyebrow and gave her a helpless little smile… she did a little shoulder shrug and all she could think was that there was hope that there were others who she could fit in with… others who maybe will see what the white symbolized… in all its plainness and simplicity, there was so much that was complex…

My reality…

At a signal at mahalaxmi station, I saw her with a baby… she must have been around 13 – 14 years old at the most…real pretty little face… a strange kinda grace in her tangled and messy curly brown hair… big black eyes… and a weird kinda calm expression on her face… she came to my cab window and said nothing… she just looked at me… I smiled at her… she kept looking into my eyes… I held that contact for as long as I could… she readjusted her grip on the baby boy in her arms and held him close…she looked at him and then walked away… I watched her leave…and then directed my gaze back to the windscreen of the car…and it was so uncanny but there on the dashboard was a sticker of Yashoda holding little krishanji…and I could swear the expression on her face was exactly like that of the girl…and I was sure I was just imagining it and going crazy… I tried to be rational about it all but how weird is that… I did not take my eyes off that sticker for the rest of the drive…

A whole lot of questions come buzzing into my head…

How much of what we see is coloured by our emotional state?
How much of me is out there?
So how much is really there?
What is reality? My reality is so different from yours…
Can any two people see the same incident in the same way?
What did it mean? My seeing her expression as the same as yashoda’s? its got to mean something…but what?
Why do these things happen so often to me?
Do I make them happen?
Is it cos I’m always trying to link what I see back to my life?
Is it cos I believe that everything is intricately connected to each of us and hence how can it not affect us?

These thoughts have been swimming in my head like fish in a bowl… just round and round… endless… unanswerable…

Matched...

In the last few months, I have wanted a set of silver bangles that did not belong together… and I’ve been to so many silver shops, hoping I’ll find them…but nope…I’m always told that they come in a set that looks exactly like each other…and I’ve found such pretty ones but they always come with 5 others that I don’t care about… I’d kinda given up…and then this morning I found myself wanting them again…and I never crave for stuff like this… it’s usual just purchases on impulse…a pair of exquisite earrings that I like at first glance….or bangles that cost 10 rupees but can still make me smile…
So anyway I walk into this silver shop in colaba and look ruefully at the silver bangles and look at the man behind the counter and sigh…’why do these always come in sets’…and he tells me that he has a box full of ‘left over’ bangles…bangles that strayed from their set…odd bangles with no partners…bangles that had no other matches…bangles that sat in a box cos no one wanted a single bangle…
Wow…I had found them… I spent a happy half an hour looking for the right odd ones…and I spent a mini fortune…but I walked out with a wrist full of bangles that now belonged to a set…and I love each of them cos they are so different from the others… and I guess I kinda felt like I know how it feels to be a part of no set…I know that mismatched feeling… and its always good to find that there are other mismatched people you can simply ‘be’ with…

No more 3x5s...

She watched the sunset…spellbound and mesmerized… she stood there…one little person before an ocean…and the sky looked like the ocean…swirling in colours…waves of aquamarine and midnight blue and charcoal grey in motion with bubblegum pink and magenta mixed with a royal orange… words could not describe it…she did not want the words to take over… she just felt that it was a sight to be shared…no photograph could catch its movement… she wanted to just see them with her eyes… and john mayer’s song came to mind…and she sang badly to herself and smiled…

I'm writing you to catch you up on places I've been
You held this letter probably got excited,
but there's nothing else inside it

didn't have a camera by my side this time
hoping I would see the world through both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it
when I'm in the mood
to lose my way
with words

TODAY skies are painted colors of a cowboy cliche'
And strange how clouds that look like mountains
in the sky are next to mountains anyway

Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world through both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it
when I'm in the mood
to lose my way
but let me say

You should have seen that sunrise
with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
NO more 3x5's


Replace all sunrises with sunsets… more of a sunsettish-kinda person…

A Force more Powerful...

Walked down my lane last night…after watching a documentary ‘A Force more Powerful’, I felt inspired and believing even more strongly in how each of us can be the change…
And as I walked and looked around me at the world, all safe and tucked into their beds, it made what I saw seem even more stark…its so easy when you’re born into a free nation…you take so much for granted…so easily forget what it took to allow me to walk down this lane… Satyagraha…such an incredible message…its ability to be adapted to any struggle against oppression in any part of the world at any point in time…and through it empower its followers…what a story! and it still continues....

Should haves…

You should have seen the moonlit night…
You should have walked by my side…
You should have craned your neck to look at the sky…
You should have held my hand real tight…
You should have heard me wish on every star…
You should have smiled and said hey silly…
You should have looked at me, looking up at you…
You should have seen that tear sneak past my cheek…
You should have…
You should have…

I’ll still be there…
I’ll still have the moonlit nights…

Pieces...

knowing...

He called...finally...illusive as always...she strained to get a clue as to where he could be...she could tell he was smiling lots...his voice carried that smile to her...

he called to find out if all was well...
of course, why would it not be...

he called to check if she was around this weekend...
of course, where would she be...

he called to check if she was sketching lots…
of course, that never stopped…

he called to find out if it was raining…
of course, duh…it’s the monsoons…


he called to say much more than he could say...
of course, she knew he knew she knew that...

Mere hathon ki in lakero mein
Leekhe abhi aur kitne sitam
Khafa ho gaye hai khushi
Waqt se ho rahe meherban gum

Love love these lines....

walking...

walking down the lane...
passing people i don’t know...
crossing lanes I never entered…
looking at dogs I never bent down to touch…
jumping over puddles…
side stepping the garbage…
hearing my music loud…
blocking out reality…

admiring the sky…
finding hidden meanings in the clouds…
catching the wind’s whisper…
watching my feet dance…
drumming my fingers to my sides…
smiling at the pink flowers…
singing a song…
creating my own world…

lemons...swings...and how they make me feel!...

Sitting there…everything was swirling around her…
The lemon ring in her tea made slow cautious circles in the mug…bumping into the sides but still turning…leaving its essence in the tea…tangy and bitter all at once…the yellow mixed with the sharp green…
The swing turned around slowly…spiraling tight…and she let her self go and let it take her where it felt like…and it unwound…hurting her in the first circle…and she closed her eyes and felt it all release from her…
And as she looked up…the trees swirled with her…and she saw the sunbeams make their down the centre of the opening…she saw the many kinds of trees…the many kinds of leaves…and it felt so good…and that giddy feeling in her head made her smile…
She tried to think of how complete this moment was….how it had everything required to be a happy moment…but was it?

She felt her mind spiral inward…to all the people and things that made her feel like the lemon ring in a mug…or like the swing on a breezy morning…to all the times she felt her essence dissolve turning sweet and bitter all at once…to all the times she let some passing breeze wind her so tight that she hurt…to the many times she sat back and watched herself…and smiled at her ability to believe…to her inability to let go…