diffussed...

Strangely in the last 15 to 20 days, the bands / artists I am fond of, have all released albums… coldplay, alanis, rabbi, jewel, harihara, fuzon… and all I can think of is how I will space all of this out to do justice to each of them… so this morning was focused on fuzon… nothing that hit me and stuck with me… the songs that have stayed the longest in my mind have been the ones that I liked the first instant I heard them or the second hearing at the most… they’ve compelled me to want to download lyrics… to start learning the words and most annoying for those around me, have to be played in a loop… and then the next stage is me singing them at every moment when they can’t be played… even worse… my colleagues really do get hit the worse…
So I heard fuzon and then put on coldplay… heard just a couple of songs… got into a cab… it was pouring… bad traffic… and as I looked out of my window, I thought I distinctly heard my cabbie sing one of the cold play songs from another album… its me, I told myself, there can be no other explanation… it was weird… just like when you looking out of a car window, without focusing really on any one thing… just glazed, diffused vision, faded on the edges to an almost white… that’s how his humming sounded… my need to hear coldplay, led me to hallucinate that he was humming it… it was weird… soaking wet cab seats, me trying to stay slightly elevated from the seat… diffused hearing and vision… lovely train with crazy traffic… typical cabbie singing ‘hardest part’… love the rainy mornings…

The little puppy died… Mummy called in the evening to tell me so… I went to see them… it started pouring so I carried my red umbrella… heart feeling very uneasy… my feet carrying me as fast as possible… and there was my darling waggy… sad… no wag… just came and stuck her nose into my hand… knowing there was nothing I could do… she refused to eat her dinner or the biscuits I had got for her… starry lay in the corner… I could not bear to see her… I stayed for over an hour with wag and her 4 babies… mustering up the courage to do what I simply knew I had to… called abodh and he said that I should bury her… so I did… found a gunny bag that I wrapped around her… let the restless wag smell her one last time… then I walked a distance and into one of the many pits, lay her down and covered her up with sand…

Weird how the soft wet little thing, felt like a stone… lifeless… gone…
I got home and cried…lots…

Meet my 'Starry'...

I peered down into the dark pit… I was sure everyone could hear the anxiety in my heart… oh please let me find her….. alive and not dead…

My adopted dog had just had a litter of 7 pups and M and I had taken up the joy of the responsibility of treating them like our very own… our day began and ended with ‘waggy’ and her babies… M told me the very first time I saw them and made strange sounds, ‘don’t get attached to them please…’ and I saw how he flaunted that very rule and he bent down to feel their little heads with his fingers… we fooled ourselves everyday that waggy was who we cared about… not her babies…
Was on my way back home when mummy called to say that she went down to feed waggy her dinner and found two babies missing… she looked and looked till she thought she heard a pup cry in the empty elevator shaft in the garage where they lived… I tried to get home as fast as I could… no one was helping mummy and it was making me anxious… I was armed with the fire brigade number and plan A and B for the rescue… I was not gonna lose one of the babies without a fight till the end…

As I peered into the shaft… horrified that I may see nothing, I saw a little moving white patch and then a few minutes later a whimper… she was alive… the shaft was about 5 feet deep and there was a plank that was lying next to it…
I could not believe that no one agreed to help… it was ridiculous… how can you know someone so tiny is in trouble and live with the fact that you were doing nothing… inhuman… and poor waggy was so upset… she kept coming to me… agitated… refusing to eat or drink anything… so I walked upto the watchmen and told them they had to help me… and they did not… so I said that I would and that I felt sad that they did not care… and i started to go down… scared as hell about how I would get up… well, someone would have to come rescue me!
And then this young watchman came running and asked me to get out at once… that he would… and i was too stubborn and upset to not do anything now… anyway, got out… he jumped in.. the pup was in water and had been for atleast a few hours… with one giant swoop, he brought the pup into my hands….
Ever felt a trembling heart… oh my god…I felt so relieved to hear him tremble… waggy could not stop licking my hands… and then she went to the young man… I could have hugged him… I sat down with waggy and her soaking shivering baby… oh what a night… we went got more milk and bread and a nice soft towel… scrubbed her dry… she stuck out a tiny tiny pink tongue to say she liked what I was doing… waggy kept her head on my knee… I stayed for a while…

The pup could walk… but she sat in her corner and trembled and cried… she was like a lone star in a dark sky… shimmering… shivering… ‘starry’… M told me not to name them… but this one is special…
I don’t know if she’ll make it through the night… I don’t know how I’ll feel if she does not… I cannot not get attached… its against my grain… I love that creature too deeply now that I felt her heart… decoded that heart beat… ever felt a heart beat and understood in that second what love feels like… grateful that there are ways in which I see and experience that everyday…